Ranking every F1 driver by how they'd do on Love Island

It's Love Island season, baby! The show might've dropped off a little since its heyday, when all you could see on Twitter was tweets about drama in the villa or that one montage of England's penalty shootout against Colombia with The National playing over it, as opposed to...whatever you can see now, when you're not rate limited. Something about Barbie, probably.

Anyway, Love Island. What if, instead of teams using the summer break to 'improve their cars' or other nerd stuff like that, they sent all the drivers out to an island – a Love Island, if you will – and did like they do on the show. Call it a Drive to Survive bonus series. Wive to Survive? Netflix probably have a names person.

If they did do that – and they absolutely should do that – here's how it might go. In roughly the order they'd be kicked off the show, we start with...

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Max Verstappen

Strengths: Successful, not at all bad looking

Weaknesses: Has absolutely no intention of being on this show

There's no race simulators in the villa. There isn't even a single gaming chair. The only reason to keep a camera on Max at all is to see just how fast he scales a wall and runs away.

Oscar Piastri

Strengths: Cheerful little guy

Weaknesses: He is child age

Sorry Oscar, but you're about 12 years old. Your passport says 22 but that's 22 in Australian Years, which work on a sort of reverse cat years system on account of being upside down. Anyway, you'd still be the baby of the group in normal human years so – you're getting an early exit.

Lance Stroll

Strengths: Absolutely loaded

Weaknesses: Less than zero game

Watch the last 10 seconds of this clip and then say, with a straight face, that Lance Stroll would pull in the villa. You can't. It can't be done.

That reaction from Lance Stroll when Rachel asks whether he can get a podium tomorrow 😅 pic.twitter.com/V60XIoSjDd

— Sky Sports F1 (@SkySportsF1) June 3, 2023

Sergio Perez

Strengths: Life experience

Weaknesses: Not all of that life experience is good

In the most respectful way possible, Checo has big Divorced Dad energy. That may be a thing for some of you, and it's valid, and you're valid, but that is absolute Love Island poison. The younger lads will go to him for what turns out to be very, very bad advice.

Nico Hulkenberg

Strengths: Definitely a man who exists

Weaknesses: There is almost nothing interesting about him

Like Checo, but German.

Esteban Ocon

Strengths: He's...a Virgo?

Weaknesses: He's a Virgo

Has a fairly piercing gaze, but in the 'this man suspects that I'm the real killer' way rather than 'wow, he can see into my soul' way. Which is not a turn-on.

Logan Sargeant

Strengths: Nice jawline, haircut you could set your watch by

Weaknesses: Florida

Logan Sargeant feels like a very nice boy, but nobody's seen a great deal of his personality yet and...well, Florida innit. You've got to ask some searching questions.

Kevin Magnussen

Strengths: Nice beard

Weaknesses: Doesn't really fit the villa aesthetic

If this was Love Forest, KMag would probably be one of the favourites. It's Love Island though, and his whole beardy Danish thing just isn't going to play as well. Serious sunburn candidate.

Yuki Tsunoda

Strengths: Just so so nice

Weaknesses: Miniature

A lovely young man. A very pretty young man! But like...that perma-smile and the fact he'd fit in your pocket make him a prime 'shoulder to cry on' candidate, not a coupling candidate. Sorry Yuki. You'll find the future restaurant co-owner of your dreams one day!

Charles Leclerc

Strengths: Boyishly handsome

Weaknesses: Accident prone

Everyone's favourite Monegasque will come in, be immediately charming and handsome at people, end up beset by potential matches, then end up covered in blood because he's accidentally headbutted someone in the nose going in for a kiss. So, a mixed bag.

George Russell

Strengths: Tall, nice eyes

Weaknesses: Gangly and, like, imagine him waiting for you in the doorway doing The Pose

Mr Suave, Mr T-Pose, Mr 'has to be escorted from the villa after a screaming argument when someone makes fun of him for ironing his socks'.

Fernando Alonso

Strengths: Handsome in his 40s

Weaknesses: Y'know, in his 40s

One thing we know for sure? Nando would never head into the diary room to spill what he's really thinking about anything. Everything would be sly little winks and nods about things that may or may not be happening. Taylor who?

Carlos Sainz Jr.

Strengths: Handsome!

Weaknesses: Personality void

Try to think of one thing you know about Carlos Sainz. His...dad was a rally driver? Apparently he broke up with his partner recently? Handsome man, but please do something interesting soon, for the love of god.

Note: After the first draft of this I've been reliably informed that Carlos Sainz 'is goofy' and 'loves breakfast', so make of that what you will

Zhou Guanyu

Strengths: Fantastic fashion sense

Weaknesses: Not a very big name

Forget Lewis Hamilton. Zhou Guanyu is the best dressed man on the F1 grid, and it's borderline criminal that this doesn't get acknowledged more. Great smile, super cool demeanour and getting fits off left, right and centre? Breakout star of the series, surely.

Lewis Hamilton

Strengths: High standards

Weaknesses: High standards

Speak of the devil...Lewis is obviously doing well at the villa. He's got the style, he's got the moves, and he posts enough thirst traps that we know he's got a great rig too. The only thing is, anyone who wants to link with him knows he's dated a Pussycat Doll, and hangs out with Shakira all the time. It's a bit intimidating, isn't it?

Pierre Gasly

Strengths: Looks, languages, quite cool

Weaknesses: He is still, ultimately, French

Not afraid to say it! Pierre Gasly is hot! He's got great hair, he seems like he's a lot of fun, he speaks three languages and he's good mates with at least one other driver so you know he's not completely insufferable! Just keep it PG-13 when the cameras are rolling, eh? Y'know, cos of his initials? And the film rating that means you can't get too spicy? Yeah, you get it.

Lando Norris

Strengths: Hair

Weaknesses: He looks about 15

On the off-chance that somebody around the paddock reads this, or that Lando is ego-surfing, I need to know what he uses in his hair to keep it that bouncy and curly all the time. It's not right that you can get out of a 200mph marvel of engineering, take your helmet off and not have helmet hair. I am on my knees begging, for everyone else out there with glorious, curly hair, what Lando Norris' hair regime is. Please.

Daniel Ricciardo

Strengths: That smile. That damn smile

Weaknesses: A bit too hyperactive

Look at Danny Ric, listen to him. This is a man who will absolutely, unquestionable flirt with every single person in the villa. The man has levels of rizz (is that the right use of rizz? It's a very TikTok word, isn't it) hitherto unseen on the modern F1 grid. He's going to charm everyone effortlessly – but it remains to be seen whether he's learned to keep it together when someone makes him their second choice.

Alex Albon

Strengths: Tall, name means he's always at the top of your contacts list

Weaknesses: Bit too posh? Also the thing where driving rips his skin open

You're not going to get any sort of rational answer here, because I – me, writing this piece, shamelessly breaking the fourth wall, and with it the implied agreement between writer and reader that I won't insert myself into what you're reading for the second time – don't understand it. But I can't deny it. Alex Albon is hot and I don't know why. Alex Albon is hot and everything I thought about F1 is in tatters. Alex Albon is hot and god is dead.

Valtteri Bottas

Strengths: Moustache

Weaknesses: ?????

It's all about attitude, isn't it? Valtteri will win Love Island relaxing by the pool in a baggy vest and shorts, occasionally sinking a stubby, and quirking one eyebrow in response to the chaotic man-children around him. And everyone will love him for it. Valtteri Bottas is the apex of modern masculinity in F1, and he will leave the villa with a tan and another partner.

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